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Tuesday, December 27, 2005  

Tuesday 27 December 2005

im having a two-day non-residential camp. today and tomorrow. haiyah.


i smoked this morning.

im sorry, but i dont know why im doing this. i know i must stop this very bad habit. i feel like im being 'pressured' by someone.

im sorry.


i saw him alighted from the bus. i wanted to say "Hi" to him but im afraid. im really afraid if he's gonna hurt me again. he looked (and smiled, i think) at me. but i looked away, chanting some nasty words to Shaqilah. i dare not to look at him. im just afraid if he's gonna shatter me again like before. when i didnt look at him, i mean i did but just at the corner of my eyes, i saw him putting a so-called curious-look on his face. dear, im so sorry.

i wanted to talk to him but i dont think he'll gonna listen to me.

so just forget it sua.

but i still feel very bad on how i reacted towards him this morning.

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i didnt sleep throughout the whole night and im pretty sure i just gonna pass out.

but i didnt. lol. lucky seyyyy.

im not feeling kinda well today, plus im still on medication. im afraid something's gonna happen to me.

anyways, today was kinda fun yet torturing. we had our Total Defence workshop and footdrill trainings.

i must say im really exhausted.

i wasnt really serious during footdrill. siket2 jer i need to fall out. either i needed to take my medicines or get some rest for awhile. i hated this. i really do.

you see, what will ppl say if i keep on asking permissions to fall out. they'll think im sooooo sensitive or ngada2 when they actually dont understand the whole real situation that im facing right now.

but i just cant stand for too long, or the stupid-thing-in-my-head will 'crawl' all over inside the damn bloody head. (actually i dont understand what the hell im trying to say here. hehe.)
nevermind if you dont get what i meant. its hard for me to explain and describe about it.


ive seen a few bakal-sec 1s. eeeeeeeew. dorang stepping sak. step mane nye besar tah. byk minah2 mat2 uh. ishk ishk.

and know what? there's gonna be three express classes, three normal acad classes and two normal tech classes.

how bad can it be?

teruk sey. cumer 3 exp class jer sak. pastu acad ade 3 class jugak. teruk sakkkk. seriously memang teruk seyyyyy.

ah, i just can hardly wait to see the bakal-sec 1s. hoho. =)



it was raining heavily when i alighted from the bus. still, ive got to walk to my block from the bus stop which takes me about five to ten minutes. i was shivering then. (and i was alone. its not like last time anymore. like how he used to send me home, and if its raining, he dgn semangatnye bawak umbrella sume, making sure i didnt catch a cold. but all that are just part of the sweet memories. no longer exist now. haiyah. =(( ) i could feel my chest tightening. it was really cold outside. i felt kinda scared. mlm2 jln balik sorang2 sey. dah tu the tempat kinda sunyi gak.

it was around 8.30pm when i reached home safe and sound.


im prostrated now. i need to get some good night sleep after such a long tiring day at camp and having another tiring day tomorrow (plus with the Footdrill Test).


bonne nuit.


 

a lie i didn't have to tell 9:04 PM

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