these days are just so so so simply suck.
first, i had a row with my family. second, about friendship. third, about my so-called BGR. fourth, about social stuff. fifth, about school.

sigh. i don't know what the hell are all these bullshits. everything just doesn't go my way. guess it must have been fated to be in this way. life's simply suck. it's a hell. i fucking hate my life.

and i fucking hate myself too.

why must all these be happening to me? why?!?!?! what wrong have i done? what are my mistakes? why must it all be happening at the same time in a row? why do i have to deal with all these bullshits? why??!!?!??!?!?!

first, i had a row with my family. my parents just don't seem to be understanding. they're so unreasonable. i'm having my Mid Year exams now. i'm studying most of the time and yet they ask me to do the house chores.

i have a brother. my bro isn't having anything important at the moment. he could have lift a finger on the chores right. they just can't be too depending on me. plus, i'm not the servant or house maid here. i'm a student and a child. i deserve to get some freedom to do things my way.
but i just can't. life's so unfair to me.

mom had never laid her hands on me. but she did. i felt so hurtful.

mom looks at me like i'm an invisible fucking lunatic. she scolded me yesterday for going back home late from school when i was actually home by 2.30pm. well, you see, i'm just an invisible child.

nobody talks to me at home. i feel so lonely. nobody seems to care for me. they never ask questions about me or how i'm doing etc. everyone in the house are just so busy with their own stuff that neglect one another. i think this family of mine should be caring and loving and understanding and reasonable.

the cordless is spoilt. we can't use it. so i would need to use the coiled phones. the other day, mom caught me talking on the phone with Faizal. she scolded me. i mean, us. without my knowing, she had actually called Faizal back. she redialled the number. Fuck. i didn't know about that till Faizal told me a few days later.she simply doesn't understand. Faizal and me do not have any relationship! we are nothing. seriously, nothing. we are just friends. we did contact each other but not that frequently. sighh.

and i detest dad. i hate him whenever he compared me with bro. i really hate it. he had never shown me his love and care for me. i feel so sad. he treats me and my bro differently. he cares and gives bro everything. but not me. you see, life's so unfair! really unfair!

that's all about home and family.

second, about friendship.

i kinda detest her. she keeps controlling us. she forces us to follow her. she makes us like fool idiots who don't have brains. i hate it whenever she forces me go hang around under the void deck. i'm not those type of people who lepak at the void deck. i find it a waste of time. better still if i'd go gome and sleep and play computer and watch teevee. when i don't want to go lepak with her, she would make "fantastic stories" about how fun the lepak she had with certain people etc. she tried to make me jealous but i don't envy about them. but....

when it comes to yesterday's lepaking... she lepak-ed with one of my ex-boyfriends and his friends and her friend. they played Truth Or Dare. everyone took Dare. everything about it, she won't going to reveal to me. then, i smell something fishy about it and them. what if Faizal was being dared to do something nasty behind my back, for example, kiss a girl. like how he used to, he was being dared by his friends to go around and ask the Si Ling girls' numbers.

i don't know if he had forgotten his promise to me. we had promised each other to be faithful till the day we'd be together back again like before. i'm afraid, really afraid, if he had been dared to do something really really nasty. well then, i won't going to forgive him and my friends who played the Truth Or Dare game.

i wanted to tell her to stop being like a Queen Control but i just don't want our friendship to be destroyed again just over something silly. but sometimes, i prefer going back home with Hazilah, Abdah and Erni. even if they are not fun, they still care about their friends and they DON'T control everyone in the clique.

please lah... i've got enough. why must i keep being controlled by people? why? my parents, my friends and teachers. sighhh.

third, about my so-called BGR.

i don't exactly have a BGR right now. but The Promise between us. Faizal and me. he seemed like.. couldn't be bothered. he didn't even care for me. i guess he didn't even love me. i think he's just taking me for granted.

i love him sooo much and really care for him and this is the way that i got in return from him. and i'm also been treated like i'm an invisible fucking lunatic.

i've got something really really important and urgent to tell him but i just couldn't find the right time. he's always busy with his friends that he neglects me. i know who i am. i ain't his girlfriend. i understand everything. guess i'm the bullshit one here going hyper crazy about him when he didn't eventually bother about me. what more to say, love and care.

sometimes boys are just pathetic and useless.

no, in this situation, i find i'm the one who is pathetic and useless. well, i'm an invisible fucking lunatic, right?

i think it's come to the end. whatever happens between us, i just have to face the fact and reality. i can't dream on anymore. i was always in my fantasy land. well, now, i would have to open my eyes and wake up and face the reality.

come what may.

fourth, about social stuff.

just now, i was 'hang' my Syahirah's budak baju. i don't want to reveal anything about that but i find the budak baju are all craps. they talked cock. full stop.

and anyways, thanks to Zharif for helping me. he sanggup turun all the way to 201 to help me with this case. thanks dear.

fifth, about school.

i don't like my form teacher. i find her prejudice on me. everything that i did are all wrong in her eyes. why?

i don't even get the chance to hold any leadership quality at all. i want to have one. but sigh, it's all faith. i can't do anything but try to win her heart. i will try.

i feel so sad. i feel so depressed. i feel so heartbroken.
i cried everyday 24/7. air mataku begitu murah sekali untuk mencurah. my tears would just well up on its own and roll down my cheek. then, my vision when blur and spotty. from there, the pains would hit my in the head and in my tummy which make me feel like i'm going to pass out or chuck up.

anyways, i would like to do well for my Mid Year. wish me luck people!

and i would like to thank to my fellow friends who have been helpful and caring towards me. i love you guys!

but people, i think it's come to the end. my life means nothing anymore. i'm a useless kid. i don't deserve to live in this planet. i think, well, __________ is just the only way out. i'm sorry. i don't want to harass you people's lives anymore. you guys have a life to live, but not me. i shall pull myself out from this situation. thanks alot people. i will appreciate everything that u guys have done for me. thank you soooo much.

and Faizal, i will never forget about our promises. i will still keep them. i will still be faithful to you. and i will still love you till the day i step into heaven. till then, i'm going to miss you.

and i'm going to miss the Earth and its people.


i'm sorry...

goodbye everybody.

goodbye my lover, goodbye my friends.

this song is specially dedicated to Faizal and the people who actually care about me. thanks people. =)

JAMES BLUNT

"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.